There's an 'I' in 'Irony'
by little furry cannibals
Summary: "...roughly, he pushed her against the hood of the car, tools forgotten and puzzled frowns marring their features..." Bella and Jake, hopelessly locked in the minds of the creative. Is there an explantion, and if so, does any one care?
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to the world of Twilight fanfiction, the Jacob/Bella version. It's been around for about five years, feeding hope and relief to those who enjoy a hero for our heroine other than a vampire.

Per invisible guidelines while writing this type, you must stick with a core set of ideas and branch from there, twisting and weaving so that readers can feel comforted, knowing Bella isn't eternally stuck with her original flaws.

Let us start with the basics*. Somewhere it is written (please send author reference) that in order for Bella to survive her wolf pairing, she can no longer be Twilight Bella. Obviously, since she chose the living over the dead, but does one have to undergo a 180 degree makeover to accomplish this leap? The answer would be yes, it does because I/he/she/they said so.

(Horrific side note: the true basics would be Edward since he's dead, but we aren't that desperate…...yet.)

When a heroine [one, Isabella Swan] is caught between the two loves of her life, a Mr. Universe a.k.a. Jacob Black and a Mr. I'm-Such-A-Damn-Fairy-I-Twinkle a.k.a. Mr. Edward Cullen, clearly the only reasonable explanation for her to gravitate towards the latter is an unexplained/undiagnosed neuron rearrangement.

A lot of people have problems with Bella's character. She's either too clingy, or breakable, or whiny to make an adequate heroine which brings us to the question: Why the hell were/are we overly engrossed with Twilight to begin with? Could one series have been written so poorly that millions felt the need to rework the errors?

*polite cough* Ahem, we'll just assume that's a rhetorical question and move on.

With a blank Bella just waiting to be written, she must be given so many strengths that the manuscript crushes the table it is sitting on. To write the typical hetero fanfic (no offense to other story lines), you need to start with physical descriptions.

Or not.

Plenty of fanfics start with straight dialogue that carries on for eight pages without regard as to who the hell is speaking. That's not important (it is but not an issue this author wishes to further examine at this point). The important thing is to remember that a reader has just awoken from a coma, never heard of Twilight and has just stumbled upon your fic when a nurse or orderly was looking the other way and failed to notice a laptop in the coma patient's room.

It happens more often than reported. That in mind, let's dive in:

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><p><strong>Descriptions for Bella:<strong>

**Milk-white skin**-Granted there are over five thousand shades of white, milk being one of them, but it still sounds redundant. Is no one else slightly concerned about having milk that could otherwise be white? In other literature when the heroine has a dark complexion, it is never referred to as cocoa brown skin when cocoa alone is a proper enough adjective. Perhaps it's just racial redundancy at its finest?

The simplest explanation is that authors are concerned that their readers just might be slightly confused and think Bella has an expired-milk-colored-skin tone or the dreaded Grinch-green-milk colored skin tone.

**Hair**-It seems simple and uncomplicated. Brown hair is like milk-white skin. One must create an indefinite amount of adjectives to describe it else the reader becomes bored. Brown, mahogany, cocoa, chocolate (milk, dark, Godiva, Willy Wonka) dirt, soil, liquor (personal shout out to fellow imbibers!) The rainbows of brown are nearly as endless as those for white, and authors are past determined to prove this point! Be creative and Rock On, pony-shit colored hair locks of perfection! The world is your oyster….or porta-potty.

**Clumsy**-"Stupid is as stupid does" has never been more fluffable than it is with fanfiction Bella. The girl could drop her toothbrush from the top of twelve sets of stairs, tumble down one hundred and twenty feet, break everything but her right middle finger (she has to maintain some way to bitch, finger communication being top priority) and readers coo at how sweat Jake is to "take care of her" while Bella insists to forego help/pain-medications/traction/casts/ and a personal injury lawsuit.

Somehow, despite Klutz-Ella's injuries, she is still able to coherently awaken in a hospital bed where Jake is residing and Charlie is down in the cafeteria, eating left-over/outdated doughnuts to assuage the guilt for worrying over his only daughter. Lawyers would be planning the purchases of their next twelve summer homes if so many people awoke as clear-headed as Bella gets to. Moral of the description is, no matter how clumsy and accident prone Bella is, a writer needs to assure readers that Bella will awaken as good as new and not be coddled like a silly human.

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><p><strong><span>Ration-AIL<span>**

_"…Bella is now a La Push Native; Renee was nothing more than a whore and slept with La Push men, enabling Bella to become a literal she-wolf!..."_

With the basic, physical descriptions out of the way and the pairing of Bella to a wolf is already borderline neurotic, one should take it to the extreme. Gone is the silly girl who, despite her love of the literary world, can't articulate a well thought-out idea to save her ass (refer to hair and skin color paragraphs if further adjectives are required for reading stability).

In place of the fairly docile lady that allowed a dead sugar-daddy to pave the way, stands a woman of Amazon proportions. She needn't go so far as to chop off her breast to aim the arrows more accurately, but anything evenly remotely close to that apparently suffices.

With the dead fairy dust under her shoes- known once as Alice- Bella now has fashion sense that would make Paris Hilton blubber in shame! Louie Vuitton, Gucci, Christian Dior, Vera Wang, Versace, Juicy Couture, Chanel and even Victoria's Secrets have now granted the unknown girl from Forks, Washington an all-encompassing pass to the world of fashion. Gone are the well worn Kmart jeans and unknown-named sneakers. In their place glows a woman clothed in garments, purses and accessories that cost more than the gross total of income in the town she lives.

But the girl still has a few hidden, down-to-earth traits. Step your ass aside, Chef Ramsey; Bella Swan can whip up a seven course meal from nothing more than a can of Spaghetti-O's, frozen Salmon and saltine crackers. All of the boys from La Push have secretly decided that Emily's cooking is equivalent to dumpster diving and they await patiently in Bella's backyard.

Sometimes her obsessive/compulsive disorder for cleaning branches out to La Push as well. Bella never did anything for the community of Forks, but the town of La Push is her Peace-Corp dream locale. There, she is embraced by all and becomes infused into the community all due to the fact that she's fucking the chief's son. Or for someone reason less-brash but equally as true. The power of sex compels you!

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><p><strong>Introducing the MEAT!<strong> Err, make that "meet".

With the introduction of Courtney-Bella-Love, we now introduce her meth supplier!

Her sponser?

Kurt Cobain minus the tendencies?

Oh, silly reader. One must now introduce her soul-mate (incidentally, an appropriate sex-toy name), the lovable, hugable, fuckable, Jacob Black!

Can we say "Once you go Black you never go back" and not be thought of as offensive or racial? Probably not, but why would we stop? This fictional character sets nearly all hearts atwitter and other body parts no one wants to dwell on as a collective group.

Jake's beginning is usually more canon-ish than Bella's. An author thinks of a story to place the characters in, writing all the juicy details that readers will sigh and coo over (something any and all authors want, but only the honest actually admit to). Jake, however, usually isn't given too much of an opportunity to be….well…smart. Not to say that any idiot can rebuild a car, but his options at a profession outside of a La Push automobile machinist are not vastly numbered.

**Mechanic Jake: **The boy built his first car somewhere between the ages of fourteen and sixteen. It's nowhere near the prodigy child that built a nuclear silo out of his father's used condoms and his mother's crack pipes, but it's a damn close second. Most of us love the idea of a man, building a powerful engine that hums and purrs at the touch of his fingers.

VROOM! Baby, VROOM!

The down side is, Jake the mechanic, while a sexy-as-Hell option, appeals to us, it doesn't –society wise—compare to that of a doctor.

Sad but true.

The plus side is, it's considered ten times more racy (raunchy) to clip jumper cables to a hero/heroine's nipples for a rush than it is for a doctor to use a defibrillator in sex games. Think about it.

**Public Servant Jake: **The idea of Jake, in a cop uniform, makes the hardened of readers, slightly squishy. Well-built, commanding, driving a car with a built-in cage and owning hand-cuffs, is easily a turn on. Most readers, while envisioning such a Jake, have completely blocked the memory of a three hundred pound, five foot-seven, asshole Sheriff that pulled them over the week before for traveling approximately 1.067483 miles over the speed limit and now have to appear in court to attempt to wave the one hundred and seventy-five dollar fine. Thank god for fanfic cop-Jake or else people might physically attack the public servants of the real world!

**G.E.D./ Adult-Ed Jake. **The bad boys almost never graduate *real* high-school. They decide to drop out, and in between werewolf patrols (the real world refers to them as dope runs), the bad boy takes his G.E.D or CLEPs out of high school exams to pursue the leisurely life of a teenage boy/man. Or werewolf.

While the above aren't necessarily physical descriptions for the wolf wonder, there usually isn't much dwelling on his appearance until the hero and heroine unleash their hormones. This portion will discussed -later on in this tale—with tape. OH! Oops, sorry. I mean tact.

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><p><strong>Jake and his *wink, wink* snake.<strong>

What's that you say? Jake never had any type of pet in the original Twilight and what the hell is a *wink, wink* snake?

Stop! Drop! And Close the Damn Browser!

Clearly it is a euphemism (dirty slang might be a favorite term) and if such a sentence requires more than the normal two-second mental processing, you are in severe danger.

Jake had many *pets* in Twilight (refer to fanfiction's extensive list of stories and mix and match characters!) but none of those pets come anywhere near the favoritism as his snake does!

This part requires one to have an active and healthy imagination and will obviously take up the majority of this tale. Are you ready? Of course not! However, don't let that stop you from reading the next few paragraphs.

**Step One**: Have the boy sit buck naked in a chair facing you. Note, at this point your eyes have moved past all of the bulging arm, thigh and pectoral muscles and have also stopped licking his abdominal *twenty-four* pack to focus on the most important muscle: the one that, when it spits all over you *cough* all over the heroine, it is considered the highest compliment.

Of course, if his snake happens to erupt like Mount Vesuvius inside the heroine (Bella would be her name if you forgot) the author must take particular pains to describe this hot molten adventure of feeling along with the accompanying quakes, moans sighs, gratitude, shudders, stutters, shutters (who knew people had sex with window closures?) and blissful sleep.

However, we have digressed from the initial topic and will revisit the rest of the naughtiest later on. In this chair you are mentally viewing, sits a naked Jake, bared of all and as androgynous as a Ken doll (weeping should be kept to a minimum at this point). Never fear, though. In the androgynous Jake's hands lies a pump. The definition being a device that does EXACTLY as its name suggests. With a few constrictions of Jake's hand, his androgynous form has now grown to that of the "average" man: 5.5 inches.

But our sexy creature is nowhere near average. For the love of books, the man is a werewolf! With a few more pumps he is now around six inches.

In length, you masochists!

**Step Two:** You have to consider the fact that he is, after all, very tall and possesses *HUGE* feet. In order to keep the scales balanced, we allow the chair-Jake to pump a little more, bringing him to a respectable size of 6 and ¾ inches.

By this point, the man is clearly an acceptable drool-worthy fuck, right? If the answer is yes, skip on ahead to the end of this fic. If the answer is no, well, then….

…the author wants zero comments/complaints/ or notices as to how or why you may be walking funny tomorrow. Moving on…

**Step Throwing In Some Fucking Logic:** According to medical science (and really, who could ever doubt the people who brought to light not only the Clapper, but the Clap, which thankfully the werewolves and Bella are immune to) the average man's package size is five and a half inches(*1). Of course, the average man is only five foot nine and weight 175 pounds, so considerations must be taken into account and since we've already pumped him up to 6 and ¾ inches, we will now attempt a different strategy to correctly give Jake his size.

Using basic equations that are mathematically sound -but play no part in calculating a man's penis size- we are left with the following:

13.75cmP/172.5cmH x XcmP/197.5cmH

Where XcmP is the size we are attempting to calculate for what would be a correct penis size for six-foot-seven Jake's *wink wink* Snake, we are left with:

197.5cmH x 13.75 cmP / 172.5cmH

Relax. For a few seconds your calculator probably gave you a measurement no man's penis should be. Nor a whale's.

The answer is 15.74cmP, or a bit over six inches. Let's see if one could do better by calculating the weight into the equation.

Adding in a weight factor where 13.75cmP x 172.5cmH x 79.54kg / XcmP x 197.5cmHXcmP x 197.5cmH x109.09kg

Gives us the penis size of….

(Looks more than once at decimal place *frowns*)

….It gives us a penis size that clearly says you can't actually incorporate algebra into determining such a fact. Just say "NO" to calculating penis size based on height and weight, or playing with penis, or playing with penises and algebraic equations at the same time. Men will cry.

(Another Horrific side-note: Dear readers capable of mathematical equations: There probably is a polynomial equation to incorporate height and weight to determine an appropriate size. HOWEVER, author suffers from math anxiety and could make no further attempt to solve for the missing Y's and Y's. Please forgive?)

**Step Three:** Now that you have gotten rid of your calculators, we return to our naked chair-Jake who was last left with a 6 and ¾ inch penis. We have already determined the man is above average in everything so we will let him play with the pump until his penis is inflated to somewhere around nine inches (note both a grinning Jake and a grinning reader.

Suffice to say, for a fanfic to take flight and stay well ahead of the game, Jake can NOT have a droopy, skinny, skimpy, short, or ill snake. It is a fanction death sentence if such a thing were to occur (refer to lack of any penis size in original Twilight series for reader's disappointment).

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><p><strong>A picture is worth a thousand words but goddamn it! Fanfiction is all about the words.<strong>

Certain colloquial terms are often incorporated into the average story despite any sort of logical explanation. They were breath-taking the first few hundred fics, average the next thousand, eye-rolling for the next thirty thousand and by now, are so cliché, it's damn near cliché NOT to use one or all.

**Lego's means Love.**

_"…she fit in his arms perfectly…"_

_ "…she couldn't help but notice how perfectly they fit together…"_

Really, geometric geniuses? A lanky five foot white chick is the missing completion piece to the six foot seven iconic toned man? Right. Feel free to sit over here in the corner and continue to try shoving square pegs into the rounded holes. (Perverts, please note: That is not a sex reference).

Everyone wants these two to end up together (unless you're reading B&J* fics in hopes of him losing). However, simply saying a pair of people just "feel right together" doesn't quite cut it. Often times, there isn't a tangible reason as to why people are together; as a potential writer, try not to stack apples and oranges and call it a pineapple. Readers will chuckle before visiting urbandictionary(dot)com for the hidden meaning.

(*Note to fellow imbibers: B&J does not mean Bartles and James. A moment of silence may be required. Feel free to do a shot as well.)

**Assume the Position.**

_ "…Charlie is going to shoot you for deflowering Bella…"_

_ "…if her dad catches you, you'll be dead for sure…."_

_ "…don't hurt her or her dad will make you sorry…"_

Does anyone remember high school?

At all?

Twenty-first century teenage boys are not afraid of cops. To be stopped by a cop and then go to school to brag about it is nothing but a notch on the belt. If the teen was lucky enough to be caught doing something that was video-taped and could possibly be aired on MTV or "Cops", the teenager in question has just made high school status-quo and is probably going to be nominated Prom King despite the possibility of being banned from engaging in such activities.

In high school, for most guys, the ability to walk into school and say you nailed the police chief's daughter is right up there in the adult world of saying you mooned your boss but still have your job and double surprise! You were promoted to vice-president.

Jacob is not worried about Charlie and his gun…as long as one is still talking about a hetero Jake & Bella story.

**Chew, Baby, chew!**

_ "…she bit her lower lip in concentration, making my dick harden…"_

_ "…catching her lip between her teeth, reminded me of what that mouth could do…"_

_ "…Bella," Jake stated nervously. "You have an incurable form of cancer. I'm so sorry, honey, you wont live til the end of the year." Bella gasped in surprise and horror; her eyesfilling with teasr while her teeth worked at her lower lip nervously. The action drove Jake close to his own tears. Damn! Her she was, the girl of his dreams, close to death snd biting her lip. Her response caused hispenisto stiffen and swell at the thought of being nibbled on so delicately. Damn, he only had five months to enjoy it. Might as well start now."_

Bella has a nervous habit of biting her lower lip. It's cute, provocative, completely non-annoying and makes everyone that has a penis in a hundred foot radius of her, spring an erection. Why Ron Jeremy hasn't hired such a person to work on the sidelines of x-rated movies to encourage reactions still remains a mystery.

But we mustn't jump the junk quite so quickly. The bottom line is still there (without actual bottoms). Regardless of what Jake and/or Bella just stated, her teeth-clenching-lip behavior erases the horrors of whatever situation they're in and goes straight to sex. Or thoughts of sex that quickly turn into reality for the characters. Didn't we cover this already?

**Pass Me a Bare.**

_"…bare with me, Bella…"_

_"…please, Jake, bare with me…"_

Yes, oh yes, hero and heroine. Bare it all, Klein boxers and Fredericks thongs as well! Typos are common and in most cases, so funny, one forgets what the hell is going on story-wise as they envision naked characters to "bare" with them. Somewhere, in the back of the brain, "bearing arms" has twisted itself into "arming bears" and some authors refuse to write such an expression, thinking it is borderline/ fully crossed-over bestiality.

*snort*

If one is reading about characters (usually the male) who can transform into a werewolf and is more likely to do-so when emotionally charged, there is more than a 110% chance of naughty sex turning animalistic. Literally. Bears, wolves and Bares!

**Clotheshorse Werewolf**

_"…damn, she looked good in my clothes…"_

_"…I couldn't help but admire how hot she looked in my shirt/shorts/sweats/hammer pants/jock strap…"_

Rule Number One and Only: Guys don't give FUCK ONE about how a girl looks in mannish attire.

They may study the female in question while wearing a goofy grin but the truth is they are studying an obstacle course; one that needs to be evaluated to determine the quickest route to the booty (both literal and slang definition apply).

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><p><strong>What the hell is a story plot?<strong>

Plots. We all love them, hate them, sigh over them, scream at them and sometimes we even form online cults to support/dispute them. Sometimes you might feel sorry for the fictional character known as Bella. That girl has been paired up with everyone, from Tinkling Tom the drooling vampire of Volturi who is Aro's personal janitor to Mrs. Cope, the school nurse. Lucky for us, we shall only discuss Bella's pairing with Snake boy.

The line is blurry here as to why some scenarios work and others don't. Obviously, if Bella has been abused, raped, sexually assaulted or the shy-girl next door, it would make perfect sense that Jake would be the only man (again a very strong muscular one) to make her forget all of her silly past hang-ups and feel comfortable fucking him senseless and letting him hug her and sush all of her fears away within an hour of meeting her. The order is incredibly important to the previous sentence.

If Bella has been conditioned to fear intimacy, a practice that in fanfic has been hinted to have been going on for years in this poor girl's life, it only makes sense that she would suddenly trust Jake. Immediately before her destined meeting, Bella has run-away/ was discarded from her captor/found by saviors or just out buying groceries for the perverted fuck holding her captive, this conditioning disappears at the first words to leave Jake's mouth!

HOL-E-FUCK!

By this rationale, Ivan Pavlov and his experiment with dogs was all a crock. Clearly when he rang the bell (Bella was hurt) the dogs didn't really salivate (and Bella's experiences were just nightmares from lack of a proper chocolate and caffeine diet). Pavlov must have Novocained the dogs mouths so that the drooling began BEFORE he actually rang the stupid trinkets. Novocaine was invented in 1905 and Pavlov posted his scientific findings on dog drool in 1903 but don't let a silly timeline throw you for a loop. We all know conditioning isn't real, just look at fanfic. Anything is possible: the democracy of fanfiction (America) proves that time and time again.

Never fear, confused readers, the answer is simple: A huge penis, belonging to one Jacob Black is the cure all for any mental/physical/emotional abuse.

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><p><strong>Sex explains it all, just look at the Kennedy's…<strong>

_"…up against the wall, naked (walls and clothes don't mix), he held her tightly, pushing every (five to nine plus)inches he had, inside of her…"_

_"…in between the sheets, she rolled over to reach for his (non-average, non- calculated) hardened, ten-inch dick…"_

_"…roughly, he pushed her against the hood of the car, tools (including condoms) forgotten…"_

There's no set explanation for what makes a great plot, !GREAT! other than sex. Shocked? Why the hell would you be? Readers (the majority) are embarrassed to admit that sex is what they seek in a story (at least in Twilight fanfiction).

However, there are several…clichés(?) that could make you go 'Hmmm?'

The first is Bella's inability to fear anything, like an enormous penis (please keep naked-chair Jake away from the pump for this part). Even a woman who has been with more than one lover and is no longer a pesky virgin, might be slightly concerned when her lover comes at her with a dick that is longer than she is wide. The argument used is that Bella wouldn't possibly be scared or intimidated by the snake since she knows when she has a kid it's probably going to be bigger than Jake's fun parts.

Problem solved.

Of course, the unvoiced argument is, does anyone remember giving birth themselves? Was no one slightly mortified/horrified/scared shitless at month-marker eight when realizing that a baby WAS going to leave their bodies through the fun place?

Does the word 'episiotomy' ring any bells? Readers already know it sure as hell doesn't ring any Bellas. And even IF one throws out the logical defense that pain medications are used when giving child-birth, it still doesn't explain why Bella isn't slightly terrified of her first time with Jake. Even in the fanfic world, there is a moral clause stating that should Bella have sex while under the influence of anything, it's sorta like rape on Jake's part and to be avoided at all costs.

Another plot device often embellished is Bella's internal lubrication. There are plenty of authors who have Bella dripping for hours before her and Jake actually engage in foreplay or sex. Her panties are soaked, her designer, skinny jeans look like she pissed herself and then the tow start marathon sex where it should come as no surprise, Bella emits even more lubrication as she comes while Jake takes off her clothes, plays with her boobs, licks her, inserts things other than his snake and THEN gets down to the fucking where she once again has a bare minimum of two orgasms.

And nowhere does she drink any water.

Now, before you go and attempt one of the afore mentioned cults, realize that this is based on the majority and not every single story ever posted. The Twilight Bell curve model is more accurately portrayed to resemble a penis. Most of the stories (assumptions based on review counts) are located at thigh level (again, you're picturing the penis instead of a bell.) Any fic that has surpassed the thigh level and does not contain gratuitous wetness, rigidity and moans (refer to above concerning body part clichés) is not necessarily a fluke but more of a…anomaly?

Kind of like the National debt is just a number.

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><p><strong>The Beast! <strong>

No, not the snake; Bella's inherited two-bit trashy Chevy(?) Ford(?) that is a required necessity for any proper Twilight fanfic. Somewhere along the story lines, it breaks down/crashes/spontaneously combusts and Mechanic Jake comes in to fix it, rejoicing in Bella's undying gratitude of sex. The other option is that Jake valiantly attempts resuscitation of the P.O.S., calls time of death, makes advances towards Bella and helps her forget the grief she is feeling. Sex in the bed of a dead pickup is a proper goodbye.

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><p><strong>Are you going to eat that?<strong>

Well, if it's an M-rated story, he better indulge in eating. One ignores the fact that Jake is as virginal as Bella. That he can manifest into a canine not only makes him 100 times hornier than any normal boy but also comes with the added bonus of mad tongue skills (not to be confused with mad-cow).

The assumption that he can learn via mental-wolf vision is heavily voiced in fics. Sex certainly isn't rocket science, however watching a Jackie Chan movie doesn't make one a martial arts expert either. It should; some people even attempt reenactments, but twelve times out of ten they fail. The extra two before the ten were mental, not physical failures.

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><p><strong>The Curse<strong>

Hips don't lie (or lay) and werewolf studs probably shouldn't be shaking their _thangs_ for fear of poking out more than just an eye. The problem was, werewolves couldn't shake shit to get what they most desired .Thus Entered the Dragon!

*cue intimidating music*

The legend goes as follows: One day, a woman sat at her desk, typing a 21st century tragic love tale to rival that of the Greats; Shakespeare, Bronte, and Eyre. She thought long and hard (all of sixty-nine seconds but since she was Mormon she rounded down to a respectable sixty-eight) as to explain why two humans couldn't love each other and why two mortal enemies would be bonded for life.

With a few careless key strokes, the ink was cast, defying the forces known as Fate, Karma and Destiny and delivering a phenomena that bore a force more powerful than an Atomic Bomb.

Imprinting. *BOOM*

Readers devoured the term, hoping against hope that Bella would be saved from her unnatural love of Deadward and find true heroine happiness and love from the ever-sexy Jacob Black when he claimed in those last few minutes of glory before her marriage, that he was bonded to her for life.

Shit hit the fan pretty fast as it became panicked knowledge that Jacob did, in fact, Imprint. It wasn't on Bella Swan though, but her half-mutant spawn known as a mini-monster in a Scotland Loch. One glance at that little line and authors flung themselves to the computers, typing voraciously to further explain.

Many species of the animal kingdom use fights and displays of plumage to woo a mate, the majority being the male, who prances in hopes of acquiring a mate. La Pushian werewolves were denied this privilege of both trying to impress a mate through fists or fur AND the normal approach of crap-shoot teenage dating.

Instead a sinister force hung over their heads, deciding who was to be their life-long companion regardless of the bitching, whining or unfairness of the situation

Due to popular discussion the phenomena became tainted. Hints of a borderline, non-kinky, slavery effect remains strong as readers fume. Not only had Jacob truly lost his love, Bella Swan, but he was forced to love a creature of imagination (even for a fictional tale).

Some original readers and soon to become Twilight fanfiction writers were driven away from a beautiful occurrence and rather than just rewrite a story where it omitted SM's master fuck-up, they did away with the concept all together, quoting the bastardization of a cardiac slavery.

Word to the wisely unknowing of the term 'Imprinting' , it is EXACTLY like love at first sight.

Even on the J&B side, lines were drawn in our playground. On side A of the ring you have those opposed. If a man is physically, emotionally and mentally required to love someone, it's just wrong and caveman-ish to make it happen via an imprint. Granted, if the fic contains rough sex and loin cloths, most can easily swallow an imprint factor -pun intended on 'swallow'- despite the crudeness of slavery.

The question begged to be asked here is, Can you help who you fall in love with? Even for those closer to the side of reality, who's to say there isn't a higher force determining who we love and spend time with?

Side B of the ring has an easier approach to the Curse. Since SM, did in FACT, fuck things up, why not just make it happen between Jake and Bella and allow it to beautiful? Just because you are soul- tied to a person, doesn't mean it has to be the end of the world. Sometimes your inner Taha Aki is actually just a manifestation of a good thing you would have otherwise overlooked.

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><p><strong>Stakes Belong on a Grill.<strong>

Assuming one has gone the traditional route of allowing Bella and Jake to imprint in their story, Jake is now faced with the amorous task of marking Bella.

During coitus of wild wolves, the male—who is mounting from behind—will bite the neck of the female to hold her in place. The mark isn't for territory purposes but to keep a female from thrashing about, and to demonstrate dominance. The two hours of territory pissing that happened before the sex actually started was the marking phase.

That out of the way though, nobody EVER associates the fact that when Bella wears a permanent scar of teeth marks in her neck, it is in NO WAY similar to branding a slave with an iron to show ownership. That's just preposterous.

Clearly when a werewolf La Push Native has hawk-like vision, werewolf olfactory senses, owl-like hearing, and the highest sex drive EVER found in nature, said Native must mark his mate to remember who and where she is. As a reader, we all understand how easy it is for Jake to lose his mate on tribal lands. That skinny little white gal blends into the crowds like Charlie Sheen at a nunnery; no one would ever be able to spot her without a marking.

Let us assume, however, that Jake marks her because it is to warn off others when he fails to be present. Referring to the already established fact that Bella gives all males a hard-on, it is easy to believe that Jake's markings are necessary and that any male who should see it would immediately turn and run for the hills. Only the nonfictional uncouth might think that Bella wearing permamnet love marks could possibly indicate she likes it rough.

Forget, science; forget reality; forget physics; forget humanity and just overall FORGET everything needed to capture an audience. The more unbelievable reality sees it, the more believable audiences will love it. Guaranteed or this isn't a spoof!

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><p><strong>It's juuuussstttt fiction (heavy sarcasm and eye roll).<strong>

OF Course it's just fanfiction! Why, oh why would people get bent out of shape about such shenanigans? The arguments are legendary on their violation. As a reader, it is your god given right to read the internet and stories posted freely about. If, as a reader, you are magnanimous enough to review, the writer should bow at your feet and kiss your ass, thanking each and every person for sparing a moment of their time to comment on the story.

As just a reader, you fall into a different class than an author/reader. You are allowed to form the groups to razz/haze/support/ and destroy potential authors. I didn't say it was FAIR; that's just how the net works.

As an author/reader it's just bad taste to have an opinion. Save those for the real world and shut-the-fuck-up about them in the fandom (again, noted from an unreported source. Feel free to send author link to said location.)

It works in reverse too! As a writer, one should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever( to infinity and beyond) expect a review! Those pesky little comment features are an internet error and soon they will all disappear so writers can freely post and not be concerned about such nonsense.

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><p>To those of you who are left wondering if this tale is a stab at hypocrisy, cease your concerns. The answer is simply a "HELL YES!" This is nothing but a funny outtake to exploit the numerous and ever growing stories we love to hate, hate to love, love to love, hate to hate and overall just use as a means to pass the time and ignore society. Most are guilty of crossing lines mentioned above, this author included.<p>

Just remember, if you can't laugh at yourself, don't worry. The rest of the world will do it for you!

Be a hero, bare it all and support endangered reviews by leaving one here of your own (preferably not in cult form). Feel free to offer any suggestions of missed, over-used clichés; I may be tempted enough to expand. ;D

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><p>(*1) measurement obtained from Trojan condom website)<p> 


	2. 2nd Verse

"…'_I have no intention of marrying you, Bella; I just want a life-long fuck buddy!' The alien (illegal but planetary nationality isn't the issue) told the young woman who was swimming naked in the Pacific ocean this fine January morning. Weather for the day was an unheard of negative twenty-seven degrees Fahrenheit. The triple-breed human/vampire/werewolf Bella blushed prettily before answering the illegal (but no one gives a fuck about heritage) alien, 'Fuck you, creature. Now die!' Horrid death rays leaving her eyes as the (where the fuck did Aliens come from!) alien sizzled, burned and died on spot. Leaving the water, she dried off and then went to join her two lovers, one Mr. Who-really-cares-he-isn't-a-wolf-character Edtard and one Mr. OH-MY-GOD-just-his-name-makes-you-come Jacob Black. The trio then flocked off to engage in sexual acts that are illegal in every city/state/continent. Details to follow in the next chapters as to what removable body parts can accomplish…"_

Well, hello wonderful readers. Happy to see we are all still keeping our heads afloat with the entertaining Twilight Fan fiction world. It is with remorse that this author informs you, I have carelessly left out a few other points needed to be discussed. For those who might be worried, we will endeavor to talk about those points as well; the *wink wink* snake ones.

_**Geronimo: Not just a screeching farewell.**_

Anyone who is familiar with the Northwest of America will tell you that swimming in the ocean isn't really that advisable. Neither is cliff-jumping into the Pacific, but we have to get our thrills from somewhere and approaching strange men in dark alleys or engaging in intravenous drug use is tacky.

*pauses*

A few of you may be scratching your head at this point and muttering "Didn't SM inadvertently cover those types of things in the original?" Yeah, she did, but us here at fanfic are more couth than that!

*snicker*

Let us study this subject a bit more though.

Have you ever gone sky-diving or bungee jumping? Of course you have, the first obvious step being that you traveled to your local Wal-Mart/salvation army/Piggly-Wiggly to buy appropriate polyester sheets and/or rope depending on your chosen activity. After correctly looping the rabbit through the hole, back up out of the hole and tying the bunny ears together, you have successfully made the biggest unforgivable know on the planet. Correction, you have tied your master noose…err, your master knot and are ready to engage! (Perverts, please note: that may or may not be an appropriate sex game.)

Assuming you have decided to _slightly_ mimic Bella (never jumped without a safety) and are bungee jumping, you fling yourself from the bridge, spiraling downward, the water rushing towards you at a scary speed before the ropes reaches its maximum tension level and snaps you back heavenwards. You have just successfully completed an adrenaline-fueled sport without any proper guidance or training. The appropriate response would be "YAY", correct?

Not so fast, Mt. Dewers.

A person can (and sometimes does) die from falling as short as three feet. Why would Bella, who it has already been determined lacks the ability to walk a straight line sober, be able to plummet off a fifty foot cliff, hit the water, be rescued due to her poor swimming skills but not diving skills and then three hours later walk into her house as If nothing happened? This mystery rivals those as to where Jimmy Hoffa's body is rotting; what happened to the Lost City of Atlantis; and what the hell did Kim Kardashian ever do to make her famous?

Granted, should a writer choose to let this expedition occur while Bella is locked in the metals bars known as Jake's arms, his body becoming a silky cage of desire and inflamed passion as his heat protects his one and only true love, their clothes melt away into the sunset as two bodies erotically caress each other….

…. Where the hell were we? Oh yes. Should Jake take Bella on a tandem jump, the chances of her survival increase exponentially, along with an increase in the probability of other things too tacky to mention. If, as a writer, you have made Bella into an adrenaline junkie, make sure she either has had training, or at least knows better than to do things without a partner. Remember: No spotter means huge splatter.

_**And by cold, even the Penguins froze their nutters.**_

To those of you who have grown up in the South and then been required to live in the North for a set amount of time will realize that during this transition, you will never-ever-ever sweat until you cross the latitudinal line of 35N where you once again be able to feel your toes and bother with sandals.

This is not to be confused with those of us who have grown up in the North and at the balmy temperature of sixty degrees Fahrenheit, will dress like a Caribbean native in sarongs and Speedos. Bella is not this type of person.

Wearing clothing that is less than twenty inches in length, made of only silk and is donned late-winter or early spring is a far stretch of the imagination; even for our heroine, Bella. She may have a portable space heater next to her at all times during such a scene, but unless they plan on having sex in the midst of their dinner table during date night (take notes, authors to be!), Bella should not be wearing skimpy garments in weather that requires snowmen to have protective gear lest they become frost-bitten.

_**That's Head Alfalfa to you!**_

Our man, Jacob Black, was born and bred to be a liter. DOOH! I mean, leader. (NOTE-worthy side-note: Liter is clearly the amount of sperm his *wink wink* snake's testicles carries at any given time.) Genetics, while certainly a controversy topic, still hold a basic force in fiction. According to scientists (again those snarky well-doers who brought us the flesh eating virus and vibrators) many mammalian classes require the "alpha" to fight for his or her position amongst the pack. It is not simply handed to them like crowns and titles. Show the wolves a little bit of love and have them fight it out like real dogs…it could be sexy.

Bella, herself, is another medical mystery. Gosh, she not only managed to fully carry to term (advanced or not) a fetus, but she did that shit with the sperm donor having two extra chromosomal pairings; not always impossible but highly rare in the rest of the free world.

The oddity in question, however, is that she's white. The fact is that most of the Anglo-Saxon descendants are, but Bella's little genetic flaw is a hot topic in the fandom. While explaining this lack of a tan in a fanfic, it is imperative not to attribute this to a genetic flaw such as, say, Albinism. This author is somewhat unaware of the number of real albinos living in Phoenix, Arizona, but it would be safe to assume that IF Bella had done so, she might be sporting some cancerous lesions or at the very least, military-grade Ray Ban sunglasses. If you're going to give her some color, it's probably not going to occur within a week's time or because she finally won the battle of decreased melanocyts .

_**And the Red Woods parted…**_

Praise Jesus, Allah and the malls of America. The cure to urbanization is as crystal clear as the HealthCare plan for senior citizens: Clear 'em out and make room for the young. Tacky as it is in the real world, it is wet-dream in the wolf-fandom. The theory is that once all the dead people have moved away (psst: this author means vampires) Forks becomes a booming town of high-price boutiques, day-time spas and High-end entertainment.

This, too, was briefly mentioned in the previous chapter, but not adequately covered. IF Bella has decided to out whore Paris Hilton then clearly she needs appropriate stores to do that, clothing-wise at least. However, adding a Macy's, Saks Fifth Avenue and Sephora to the town of Forks is imaginary overkill even for the plebian. Saying she found these stores in Port Angeles is not much better, nor is adding that she drove to Seattle although that's slightly more reasonable than the previous. Authors beware: When in doubt, Google the shit extensively before making too much of a mass change.

_**Chainsaw Massacres**_

"…_the moonlight pooled into the room, illuminating the basic furniture and random teenage shit customarily found in heaps and piles. In the bed, laid amongst kinky-ass silken sheets, goose-down filled pillows and Alpaca furred coverings, a man and a woman slept. The female suddenly sits upright, gasping in shock since it's damn near silent and most people wake up from nothing except those of the wolf variety who should be able to wake at the sound of a mouse farting but instead sleep through anything that is quieter than a nuclear holocaust. The girl, though, has awoken and once realizing she isn't being attacked, stares in zombie-like adoration at the well-toned man beside her. Sinking back into the ostentatious bed clothing, she wraps her arms around his chest. And then…._

_*RIP* ROAR* *SLASH*_

_His deviated septum lets loose and she smiles fondly as he begins to snore…."_

*Eyebrow about jumps off of the readers forehead!*

When your pet dog, cat or camel snores, it is probably slightly cute and immediately recorded and uploaded on . When your child snores and coos it is definitely a movie-recording moment to take, ensuring that you will have ample ammunition to embarrass the piss out of them as they bring home their first date and you show how little Johnny or Sally could simultaneously snore, coo and fart while their dates try not to watch in horror and fascination. Snoring in a grown man is not cute or adorable especially when he sounds like a dump truck traveling down a freeway during rush hour, hitting everything in its path while a band of toe-picking-banjo-laying rednecks sit in the back, popping bubble wrap at a sound level of three hundred decibels! Unrealistic snoring cuteness is the number sixty-ninth reason a fanfiction dies.

_**That's Not Teen Spirit You're Smelling…**_

"…_he could smell her desire…"_

"…_her arousal permeated the air, driving Jacob wild with lust…"_

We've already covered that Jacob the werewolf-and in all fairness, Jacob the human-can smell when Bella is turned on. It's a known fact to us non-virgins that sex leaves its own smell. The need to describe this aroma every other sentence during a sex-scene however is sometimes (usually) overkill. If the man happens to be a wolf in an author's fic, he can not only smell her desire, but probably also what she had for dinner the previous night, the drunk man three streets over pissing on the neighbors car while spouting love poems and the last time Charlie farted. Gross, but surely a sound fact and one that might be better left unmentioned so many times, kind of like the smell of sex.

"_**No" may mean "No" but damn! What the hell does "Fucking do it!" Mean?**_

"…'_are you sure?' Jacob asked Bella, watching her pant heavily beneath him. 'If we don't stop now, I won't be able to'…"_

"…_skin glistening, bodies aching with need, Jacob stilled Bella's movements as she tried to impale herself on him. 'We don't have to do this, if you aren't ready'…"_

"…_lined up perfectly with her channel/cavern/Mariana Trench, Jacob pleaded one more time for sensibility to reign. 'Bella, it's not too late. We don't have to cage the *wink wink*snake if you don't want to'…"_

Once you have all put your pre-coitus, mid-coitus and post-coitus cigarettes away, please answer this question: Why are any of the above scenarios cute?

The duo has stripped, licked, sucked, throated, patted and/or powdered ever single inch of each other and NOW Jacob is worried that maybe Bella doesn't want sex? Good god almighty! If Bella laid there covered in reflective tape strips, swirling guidance flash-lights at her crotch, while having a flashing/beeping beacon embedded on her pubic bone with the admission: Fuck Here! And Now! the boy couldn't come off more stupid than he does when asking if she's absolutely sure she feels ready for sex.

And, yes, this occurrence leads authors/readers back to the beginning of an already well-trudged circle. One must make sure the sex is consensual between our hero and heroine, but can you not see the silliness at some point? If not carefully written, these scenarios quite often read like a NASCAR driver stopping to ask directions around a race track. Write the race, write the descriptions of snake-cars and boob-bodies but Do NOT write the driver asking for directions in such an obvious form.

_**Strawberry Fields Are Fermenting:**_

Does Bella really smell like berries? Who fucking cares and why are we discussing this triviality? Because, it's a bit overdone. Chemically composed strawberry aromas smell nothing like a real strawberry and the He-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless never hinted in the original that Bella carried the scent of artificial sweetness; why would our favorite wolf do this?

People whose ketone levels are higher than normal (primarily diabetics and Adkins's dieters), often will encounter this berry-emitting-aroma known as acetone. If a writer has gone with the form that Bella has been starved, is anorexic, or is on an Adkins's diet, then berry away! It is important to add that her fruity aroma may just be from an indulgence of a heavy *wink wink* snake diet. If that's the case, gratuitous B&J(*) scenes are required at a mandatory every other chapter posting.

(* Sorry to my Bartles & James lovers; once again this was NOT an alcoholic reference, although you are free to do a shot to help ease the pain.)

_**The Little Engine That Couldn't**_

Fear not, scared shitless readers. We are not discussing a possible *wink wink* snake failure.

Although implied at before, it must be said again: SM royally fucked up (please keep guffawing to a minimum) when she developed Charlie's character as a cop. Police chief to boot! It's not an inherited/passed down through, seniority-type position.

However he acquired the position (perverts, this is WAY different than assuming the position) he is left with the logistic skills of a drunken ant*; unaware that his daughter is fucking a werewolf and contemplated indulging in necrophilia, or the politically correct term: fucking a vampire.

Not all, but the majority of people who become cops or work in law-enforcement have installed some type of alarm system on their house within the first year on the job. Charlie is an erroneous (not erogenous) exception. The man even keeps a spare key outside of his house for easy accessibility for the common criminal.

Whatever unfortunate brain surgery he suffered [LOBOTOMY! LOBOTOMY! LOBOTOMY!], the man never has a problem when his 16-18 year old daughter decides to move to La Push to live in sin. Of course, the rest of the free-world calls living with a stud-muffin "bliss", but we have digressed.

Generally speaking, police officers from small communities are better versed in many law enforcement activities. They don't have the funds or man power to possess multiple specialists and therefore must be well adept in most aspects to sheriff a town correctly. This means Charlie is rather dumb to the nefarious affairs his daughter is involved in.

To carry on with tradition though, the fandom has continued to embellish Chief Swan's lack of insight and blatant stupidity. If you are attempting to correct SM's flaws, either make Charlie a smart cop or change his job to that of a mailman.

(*Odd side note that bears no significance: Drunk ants always stumble to their right, a fact that the U.S. government spent much time and money on. Try not to be overly embarrassed if you're an American.)

_**Battle of Bunker-Tongue**_

"…_Tonight's special is a fight you've all been waiting to witness. In corner A we have Hercules 'HH' Hyoglossus. Weighing in at 3.6 ounces and standing at 3.1 inches he has a professional body with an amateur record._

_In corner B we have LiteWeight 'LL' Lingua. Weighing in at 2.75 ounces and standing only a measly 2.2 inches she's a scrappy little thing and has been waiting for the past two to three novels to enter this arena._

_Fighters, we want a clean and honest battle; to your corners now._

_Ladies and Gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble!_

_*ding-ding-ding*_

_HH starts off aggressively, lunging at LL in a Genioglossus move, battering the smaller framed fighter. She's got some stealthy moves of her own though. In a specially designed intrinsic move LL is famous for, swoopes to the bottom, avoiding HH's plundering ways._

_Feinting to the left, HH brings in the use of Carpal tools and grabs the outer cavity to hold LL in place. With no place to move, LL relents and allows for another Genioglossus move to be performed._

_One! Two! Three! Come on, LL, get back up! Nine! Ten! And in a fight that hasn't ended this quickly since Tyson entered the ring, HH wins by a landslide, huge grin in place. Ironically, LL has a smile also…"_

Raise your hand if you've read a fanfic scene where the kissing between Jake and Bella resembles a scene from any of the Alien movies, where a face-hugger strikes a victim and doesn't leave until one has passed out. That overused bit, "their tongues battled for dominance", has worn out its welcome to the point that a lot of readers would rather lick postage stamps until the end of time rather than have to endure that clinically generic fic line.

In all honesty and entirely in the real world, when you set out to kiss someone, do you honestly bash your tongues repeatedly against other, trying to figure out why kissing suddenly feels like thumb wrestling instead? If you answered "yes" to the first half of the question then feel free to use the above overused bit. If you answered "no" or even a hesitant "maybe", move on and think of other adjectives to describe the winning of the sport of tonsil hockey.

_**Open up and say "Ahh..Where the fuck are you putting that?"**_

As Bella and Jake go on their first official date to the diner and movies, both have their hormones in torrential states of madness. Bella is the one to whip it out for Jake most of the time and as she commits her first act of felony rape on a minor… let me rephrase. As she commits her first act of love on the second love of her short life, she marvels at the size; hums at the first taste of salt; and then in a reverse reptilian move, swallows the *wink wink* snake whole.

Scientifically speaking (those crazy calculus bastards) women are not as adept at dimensions as men are which is why there are more men architects and builders than women. That aside however, Bella should at least gag slightly if not outright throw up when performing her first act of felony…her first act of sexual bliss.

In all fairness, one must just assume that if this illegal…miraculous act occurs, Bella possesses the stunning ability to dislocate her jaw for easy passage and doesn't have a gag reflex. Jacob probably can't hear it over his annoyingly comforting snoring and overzealous load moaning (Does anyone know if that's at all like loud moaning?).

Bella has also, not necessarily acquired, but is never opposed to the idea of swallowing. It's always the same: she licks the saltiness, finds it scrumptious and goes back for more. Not to be graphic (please ignore the huge lie in that), but is it not a bit more realistic for her to be slightly startled during the first occasion of swallowing spunk? Authors go out of their way to describe Jacob telling her that she doesn't "have to", or that he's about to blow his "load" (never blow his "loud") and yet, like every teenage male's fantasy, she licks him clean without pause, not once considering to pull back. Gosh, maybe more teenage boys should read Twi fanfic to follow this proper etiquette.

_**Claire De Vomit**_

Music. An extremely creative tool as it can bring forth a myriad of emotions for a reader. Many people are overjoyed to include playlists, web-links and sometimes actual players at the bottom of a web page so that while reading their fic you too can immerse yourself in those exact same feelings the author had while writing.

And here is the part of our little diatribe where this author falls flat-faced onto the table.

*bangs head repeatedly on a hard, preferably sharp, object*

Who could ever forget the band Nine Inch Nails and their multi-hit wonder "Closer"? That one particular lyric "I want to fuck you like an animal / I want to feel you from the inside" sends readers scurrying for their astronaut diapers as the fluids burst forth at what the hidden meaning to those words means to Bella and Jacob. The truth though is, if you take a closer look, the lyrics read like a theme song to the weekly serial killer group meetings held at your local YMCA.

The more laid back might think it means he wants to fuck her; an obvious, if not crude, choice. The fact that he wants to "feel her from the inside" is a good sign that virgin Jake at least knows where his *wink wink* snake should go.

The tempo of this particular song has a good steady beat for our hero and heroine to beat at (many, many puns within that sentence). Of course, if those two are the nymphomaniacs they are well painted as in the fandom, they would get more of an encore should they be able to perform at the beat of Nine Inch Nails song "Suck" also known as track 99 on the Broken album.

*author pauses while readers quickly jump to YouTube to hear the song. Make sure you listen until the beat takes a drastic turn.*

Creativity should flow wildly while adding songs these horny teens fuck to. However, a writer needs to be careful. A loving couple can obviously fuck (an action more aggressive than making love) but do try not to make the scene overly loving as they slowly caress each other to the tune of Ministry's "Jesus Built My Hotrod" even though that is exactly the speed Jake usually engages in.

The last few above paragraphs are bit cluster fucked so let's recap for aspiring authors:

DO NOT paste part of or an entire song into your fic, throw a few sentences of dialogue in between and call it a chapter. Whatever you felt while listening to it will be lost in translation to most of your readers.

If they're gonna have your characters fuck like animals via NIN, let them be animals! To do otherwise is a lot like saying you drive a Porsche, live in Beverly Hills, have ten million dollars sitting in a bank but call yourself lower middle class. Most people will think you're more than slightly retarded. Don't be a hypocrite.

(Cult-intervention: Before running off to warn authors that little furry cannibals is making fun of a particular fic, rest assured this portion is not targeted to any one specific author.)

_**Is that Ex-President Ronald Regan Thinking… **_

"…_He didn't understand._ 'I don't get it,' he said…"

"…_She didn't know what he was talking about._ 'What are you talking about?' she asked…"

"…_Remove package before putting on._ 'So I have to rip open the foil, take the condom out and then put it on?' Jake asked…"

The word "redundancy" blinks brightly in the above examples. Yes, sometimes a character is confused as to what is happening to him or her; understandable. The fact that a lot of authors reword a thought and then the words almost verbatim is equivalent to reading out loud with a nasty echo. There are many more creative ways to convey the characters inner turmoil over a situation other than a repetitive mantra and it doesn't even have to be that much of an extreme difference. Read the below corrections.

_He started at the PEZ dispenser as if it was a hairless hobbit._ "I don't get it," he finally admitted.

_Funny_, Bella thought. _Jake never used to sing 'Detachable Penis' at other pack meetings._ "What are you talking about?" She asked in confusion.

_I am a fan fiction character and having to internally monologue that I stopped sexing Bella long enough to suffocate my *wink wink* snake goes against all appropriate writing guidelines. Oh well_. "So," Jake purred huskily into Bella's ear," Once I take this out of the package and wrap my undetermined but obviously well-endowed dick, we're going to get down and make love. Flip the IHome to Nine Inch Nails, Bella, I'm about to get a lot 'Closer'".

If you can read either just the thoughts without the dialogue or just the dialogue without the thoughts and are still 200% aware of what the hell is going on in a story, hit the delete key. PLEASE!

_**The Spices of Lust**_

"…_Bella, I'm coming…"_

"…_I'm going to come, Jake…"_

"…_cumma, cumma, cumma, cumma, cumma, chameleon…"_

Okay, so the last one has probably never been uttered in a B&J fanfic during a romp scene, but it might as well have been.

The word 'come' alone has formed its own fanfic cult. To 'come' is a slang term, regardless of how it's spelled, screamed, or written in semen. Writers spend mass amounts of time debating the quality of the word and whether or not the slang spelling "cum" is legitimate or not and how much respect is lost when one chooses to spell it one way or the other.

Are you confused? Good, we're just getting started.

One could assume it is like the slang term 'fat'. When spelled with an 'f' it implies an obese constitution. However, when written with the psychedelic "ph" to give us the word 'phat' or 'phatty' all is good in the hood…err, in fan fiction. Whatever.

The point is, does it really fucking -pun required- matter? One would hope that with the eight million English scholars reading fanfic, a writer and/or reader would desire a way to discern the difference between the meaning of "to approach" verses the meaning of "to orgasm". It's easy to assume with Bella's nervous chattering in fics, that when she says "I'm coming" and is presently being drilled by the *wink wink* snake, there's still that off chance she's answering Charlie as to whether or not she's going to make dinner. It is also possible, she's answering one of those loopy inner-voices she hears and IS NOT in fact telling her lover he's about to rock her world.

As most of you are probably pleading for this to end here, it doesn't. Slang is ever-present in stories; a cold-hard fact that needs to be accepted, regardless of your profession. People (yes those in the real world) don't conjugate every verb, noun, adverb and armadildo correctly while speaking to their parents and peers. (Perverts please note: The above was intentional but not meant to indicate a goody. If it really is a sex-toy, please keep such knowledge to yourselves.)

The flaw, though, is that while transcribing slang to be read, a writer needs to take extra pains to ensure that the term is still slang-friendly and is not physically identical to a proper word. If one is to write "I'm cumin," while Jake pounds into Bella, congratulations are in order. You have just had the character announce that they are a spice (author would LOVE detailed drawings and explanations as to how this happens).

Once again, loyal readers, thank you for having a few laughs with yours truly over all of the stories we secretly admire despite the massive eye rolling, jaw dropping, screen pointing and panty…*cough* we'll just skip that last endearment. Suffice to say, this is for entertainment purposes only and if you somehow take personal offense then you might need to dig deeper for your inner wit.

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><p>AN: Beta'd by Bragi151.


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